Skip to content

Starshine Roshell Posts

Crushing on Mommy Tonk

You guys, I found my soul mates, and they’re two ballsy broads who sing about parenting, shopping, and recreational drugs.

The vulgar vixens in question are Stacie Burrows and Shannon Noel of the comedy musical duo Mommy Tonk—and if I played guitar and grew up in Arkansas singing in the church choir, then I swear to you we’d be a damned trio. Like me, these flippant females each have two sons, recognize Target as the Holy Land, and channel the myriad frustrations of motherhood into their craft with bracing honesty, in the hopes of making people laugh.

To quote one of Mommy Tonk’s own songs: “I’ve got a mom crush.”

Got Your Kaepernickers in a Twist?

I hate football season. I hate the nasally din of blowhard announcers and the monotonous green-turf glow that emanates from my living room for hours on hours, months on months as my husband and son sprawl over the sofa like toddlers, yelling stupid things at people who can’t hear them.

I hate the tedious, arbitrary, meaningless debates that football ignites: Who’s the best running back of all time, why that call was bull, whether the ball was fully inflated — and the notion that one group of large men is incontestably superior to another group of large men because the first group’s jerseys have a horsey on them.

But last week I watched football. And I kind of loved it.

One Fatal Rx, Room for Cream?

Once upon a time, ordering a cup of joe was a binary decision: Coffee? Or no coffee today?But stand in a Starbucks line today, and it’s clear we’re a nation obsessed with options — from a Grande in a Venti cup with three and a half scoops of nonfat foam to “two inches of room for cream” at exactly 140 degrees. With extra caramel drizzle.

Dripping with cable channels, drowning in apps and websites, we demand choices at every turn and uphold choosiness as a virtue. Ordering coffee now is a public demonstration of meticulous preference — a declaration of druthers, painstakingly hewn. We will have it our way, damn it, or we won’t bother having it at all.

Hey! Can I Get an Epidural Over Here?

It happened again. I wake with my sheets wound round me, legs akimbo, pulse spazzy. I’m fresh from a fight with something I know I can’t beat. It’s 4 a.m. and everyone else in the family is asleep. Our bedrooms are close and through thin walls, I hear my kids not stirring. Not flopping around on creaky springs. Not doing battle as I am.

Downstairs, our living quarters amble generously through wide-open rooms, but upstairs our three small bedrooms are smooshed side by side by side like hideaway nests. Perched above the bustling world with its snapping predators, careless traffic, and vexing noise, the cozy tree house where we slumber in proximity is quiet and still. Warm and laundry-scented. Closely knit.

For literally thousands of mornings, I’ve opened my eyes to the sunlit, soul-settling certainty that the people who matter most to me are within earshot of a groggy-but-grateful “G’ morney!” Even when I wake from pre-dawn nightmares, their collective presence offers deep and immediate comfort. It’s an absolute: As sure the sun will rise, my boys are near me, curled up, tucked in, at ease and at peace.

But that’s about to change. My son Stone, the subject of my very first column 16 years ago, leaves for college across the country in two weeks. All summer, friends have been checking in. “Soooo … are you OK?” Yeah! “Freaking out?” Naw, I’m good! Exciting times! So stoked for him! All under control! Let’s do this!

Pokémon GO Is the Balm

In a world where innocents are mowed down while dancing, and black fathers and sons are senselessly murdered by peace officers, and peace officers are senselessly murdered by military veterans, and voters roiling with toxic resentments threaten to put a hollow shell of a human in charge of the most powerful nation on Earth — well, in that world, sometimes the only thing that makes sense is to wander the streets for hours in search of imaginary cartoon animals.

At least, that’s why I began playingPokémon Go with my son Dash last week: to escape the oppressive burden of reality by diving into the sanctuary of my cell-phone screen and hunting harmless pixel beasties. Plus, Dash told me one of the goals of Pokémon is to help your characters “evolve” — which sounds so civilized and promising.

Globe-Trotting Grade-Schoolers are 'World Schooled'

I’m spending the week with three charming gentlemen who regale me with tales of their epic world travels. They describe the sheep on Scotland’s Isle of Skye, the vegetarian sharks in Belize, the sugar in Costa Rica, and the beaches in Cannes.

From grown men, it might be braggy, but because these are my nephews — a 14-year-old and twin 10-year-olds — it’s sort of astonishing.

Maxed Out: Is System Rigged Against Working Moms?

I have an ugly secret: For 18 years, I’ve felt like a fraud both at home and at work.

From the moment I became pregnant with my first child, who graduates high school next week, I’ve had the unshakable sensation that I’m faking big chunks of my life, playing the part of a competent and confident mother and professional — but in fact always shortchanging someone their due: arriving late to work after delivering a forgotten lunchbox to school, darting out of a too-long meeting to arrive at the school awards ceremony 30 seconds after they call my kid’s name, emailing with the college counselor when I’m supposed to be watching that IT training, or grinning robotically through my son’s trumpet-lesson story at the dinner table when my mind is on that proposal I need to finish by morning.

A Shrine to Splitsville: The Flotsam of Ill-Fated Flings

White opera gloves. Orange underpants. One pair of crutches.

The objects on display are unrelated in almost every way. The only quality they share is heartbreak.

Lock of hair. Shards of glass. Penguin cuff links.

Some are outright funny, some are gut-stabbingly sad, and some border on heebie-jeebie creepy. But no matter their size, condition, or origin, all are fraught with a feeling that’s familiar to most any adult, in any country: the ache of a fizzled affair.

Fur-lined handcuffs. Mercedes hood ornament. Under-knee prosthesis. Yes. That’s right. Prosthesis.

The contents of this site are © 2022 Starshine Roshell. All rights reserved.